Deciding to go to therapy as a couple is a significant step. But knowing how to choose a couples therapist who is right for both of you – not just one of you – is a question most people haven’t thought through before they start searching. The sheer number of practitioners listing themselves online can feel overwhelming, and the differences between them aren’t always obvious from a website.
This article covers what actually matters when you’re trying to find a couples therapist: where to look, what to look for, how to make the decision together, and why getting the fit right shapes everything about what happens next.
Why Finding the Right Therapist Is Essential for the Results
Research consistently shows that the quality of the relationship between a therapist and their clients is one of the strongest predictors of whether therapy works. A landmark meta-analysis by Flückiger et al. (2018), covering 295 studies, found that the therapeutic alliance – the trust, collaboration, and shared purpose between therapist and client – is one of the most reliable indicators of positive outcomes across all forms of psychotherapy.
For couples, this becomes even more complex. There are now three relationships in the room: the therapist and each partner individually, and the three of them as a working group. A therapist who one partner trusts but the other feels judged by is unlikely to help. A therapist who, even subtly, sides with one person can leave the other feeling that therapy is a place where they lose.
Getting this right from the start matters. A poor fit doesn’t just slow progress – it can deepen resentment, erode trust in the process, or push a relationship toward separation that might have been avoided with the right support.
Where to Look for a Couples Therapist
Most people start with Google, which is a reasonable first step but not the whole picture.
Professional directories are a more reliable starting point than general search results. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) both have searchable registers of qualified therapists. For couples specifically, the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) lists practitioners with specialist training in relationship and psychosexual work – which matters more than it might initially seem.
Referrals from a GP are worth asking about, though availability varies. In some cases, particularly where sexual difficulties are part of the picture, the NHS does offer couples psychosexual therapy, as do some charities such as the Naz Project in London. However, they have very long waiting lists, sometimes 9 months or longer. But for most couples, this is primarily a private arrangement and is not typically covered by health insurance.
Specialist platforms like Intima Therapy can make the process easier by connecting couples with therapists who have specific training in relationship and psychosexual work, rather than leaving the search entirely up to you.
How to Choose the Right Therapist
Ask the Questions Yourself
Before researching therapists, it’s worth both partners sitting – separately or together – with a few honest questions. This isn’t a test; it’s about getting clear on what you’re actually looking for before someone else’s website tells you what you need.
- What specifically do we want therapy to help us with – communication, intimacy, infidelity, parenting, a life transition?
- What does a successful outcome look like for each of us? Are we both picturing the same thing?
- Are we both committed to working on this, or is one of us undecided?
- How much time, money, and emotional energy can we realistically invest right now?
- Do we have preferences around the therapist’s gender, cultural background, or lived experience?
- Are there topics – trauma, sexuality, addiction – that require a therapist with specialist training?
That last question is one people often skip. If sexual intimacy is part of what’s brought you here, it’s worth being honest about that from the start. A generalist couples therapist may not have the training to hold that work well.
Decide What Kind of Couples Therapist You Want to See
Although there are many approaches couples therapists draw upon, a specialist relationship therapist would be familiar with most of them and able to adapt their practice to what a particular couple needs. Some of the most common include:
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – developed by Sue Johnson, works with the attachment patterns and emotional cycles underneath recurring conflict. One of the strongest evidence bases in couples work.
- The Gottman Method – research-driven and structured, focusing on communication patterns and what distinguishes relationships that endure from those that don’t.
- Imago Therapy – explores how dynamics from early in life show up in our closest relationships, using structured dialogue to slow conversations down and create space for both partners to feel genuinely heard.
- The Bader-Pearson Developmental Model – looks at couples through the lens of developmental stages, helping partners understand where they are in their growth as a couple and what’s needed to move forward.
- Psychodynamic approaches – slower and more reflective, exploring how each person’s history and inner conflicts shape what happens between them.
- Integrative – draws on several of these traditions, adapting to what a particular couple needs. Where most experienced practitioners eventually land.
What the research is clear on: technique matters far less than the quality of the therapist and the relationship they build with you. A skilled, experienced therapist working integratively will almost always outperform a less experienced practitioner applying a single method by the book.
The Difference Between a Couples Therapist and an Individual Therapist Seeing Couples
This is a distinction that doesn’t get nearly enough attention. Many therapists trained primarily in individual work also see couples, but couples therapy is a genuinely different discipline. The therapist’s role shifts fundamentally: instead of holding one person’s experience, they hold the relationship itself as the client, maintaining equal attention to both partners simultaneously.
A therapist trained specifically in relational work understands how to navigate this. They know how to work with the dynamic between partners – not just what each person says about the other – and how to avoid the subtle side-taking that can undermine the work before it’s barely begun.
When looking for a therapist, ask directly: how much of your practice is couples work, and what specific training have you done in this area?
When Sexual Difficulties Are Part of the Picture
Relationship difficulties and sexual difficulties are rarely separate. Intimacy often shifts when a couple is in conflict, and sexual concerns frequently surface in what begins as a conversation about communication or emotional distance. Yet many couples therapists are not trained to work explicitly with sexual issues, and a therapist who isn’t comfortable in this territory will often leave it untouched.
If psychosexual concerns are part of what brings you to therapy – whether that’s low desire, pain during sex, mismatched libidos, or a deeper disconnection from your own sexuality – it’s worth looking for a therapist who holds both qualifications. COSRT is the professional body for sexual and relationship therapists in the UK, and its members have specialist training that goes beyond a standard couples therapy qualification.
At Intima Therapy, our therapists are trained in both relationship and psychosexual work – because in our experience, the two are rarely as separate as they initially appear.
Start Your Research
Once you have a sense of what you’re looking for, it’s time to vet specific therapists. Key things to check:
- Professional registration with BACP, UKCP, or COSRT
- Specific training in couples or relational therapy – not just individual therapy experience
- Years of experience working with couples specifically
- Whether their stated specialties match what you’re bringing
- Reviews or testimonials, where available
A therapist’s website tells you something, but not everything. The consultation call tells you far more.
Make the Decision Together
This matters more than people realise. If one partner feels pushed into a choice – or feels the therapist is someone their partner selected for them – it undermines the work from day one. Both people need to feel some sense of agency in who they’re sitting with.
If you’ve both looked at a therapist’s profile and one of you has significant reservations, take that seriously. It’s worth booking consultations with two or three practitioners before deciding – the contrast tells you things a single conversation cannot.
Contact the Therapist and Start the Process
One thing well-trained couples therapists tend to do from the very first contact: they’ll ask that both partners are included in communications, even at the initial enquiry stage. If you find yourself emailing a therapist and they’re only corresponding with one of you, that’s worth noticing. The relational frame – where both partners are equally held – should begin before the first session.
A 15-minute call might work for an individual – with two people, 20 minutes is a more realistic minimum. Use it to ask your own questions, not just to answer theirs. A good consultation will give you a feel for the therapist’s manner, whether they’re genuinely curious about you as a couple, and whether both of you come away feeling heard.
What to Look for in a Therapist
Beyond credentials and training, there are qualities that matter enormously once you’re in the room – and these are harder to assess in advance:
- Professionalism: clear about how they work, their cancellation policy, and how they handle contact between sessions
- Experience: specifically with couples, not just general practice
- Competence in the room: a sense that they’re tracking both of you, not just the person talking
- Sense of equality: neither of you should feel the therapist has picked a side, even subtly
- Cultural and identity awareness: particularly if your relationship involves intercultural dynamics, LGBTQIA+ identity, or non-traditional structures such as polyamory
- Emotional safety: a sense that you could say something difficult and not be judged for it
- Clear treatment direction: some sense of how they work and what the process looks like, even if it isn’t rigidly fixed
A good therapist won’t tell you what to do with your relationship. But they should be able to tell you how they work.
How Much Does Couples Therapy Cost?
Couples therapy is generally more expensive than individual therapy, and that reflects what’s actually involved. Sessions are typically longer, require more preparation, and make greater demands on the therapist’s attention throughout.
In London, you can expect to pay anywhere from £100 to £400 per session in private practice, with most experienced practitioners sitting between £110 and £250. NHS and charity options exist – and are worth exploring, particularly for psychosexual concerns – but waiting times can be as long as 10 months and availability varies considerably by area. Couples therapy is not typically covered by health insurance in the UK.
It’s worth thinking about this as an investment in the relationship rather than a monthly expense. The number of sessions varies widely – in my own practice, I’ve worked with couples for as few as six sessions to resolve a specific issue, and as long as six months where deeper work was needed. It depends on the desired outcome and how much responsibility each partner is willing to take for what they bring.
In-Person or Online: Which Works Better for Couples?
Both can work well, and the right choice depends on more than just preference.
When the work is emotionally charged or in its early stages, being in the same room tends to make a meaningful difference – body language is visible, the space feels contained, and it’s harder for either person to quietly disengage.
But geography matters too. If you live outside a major city, or you’re looking for a therapist with specific qualities – COSRT-qualified, LGBTQIA+ affirming, or trained in psychosexual work – that person may not exist within a reasonable distance. Online therapy opens access to the right specialist, not just the nearest one. Practical constraints like long working hours or childcare are just as valid a reason to choose online as anything else.
Many couples do a mix of both. We’ve written about this in more detail in our in-person vs online couples therapy article.
Taking the First Step
Knowing how to choose a couples therapist isn’t something most of us are taught – and the decision is genuinely consequential. The right person, at the right moment, can shift things that have felt stuck for a long time. The wrong fit – even with a perfectly competent therapist – can leave a couple feeling that therapy doesn’t work for them, when what really didn’t work was the match.
Take your time with this. Book consultations with more than one therapist if you’re unsure. And try to make the choice together, not because it has to be unanimous, but because the process of finding someone you both feel some trust in is itself the beginning of something.
If you’d like to find a couples therapist who specialises in both relational and psychosexual work, you can explore our therapists or get in touch to find out who might be the right fit for you.
FAQs
How do we know if our therapist is the right fit?
The most reliable signal is whether both of you felt heard in the consultation, not just one of you. A good therapist holds both partners with equal attention and curiosity. If something felt off after the first session, trust that. The therapeutic alliance is one of the strongest predictors of whether therapy works, and it’s worth taking the time to find someone who feels right to both of you.
Is online couples therapy as effective as in-person sessions?
For many couples, yes – particularly once the working relationship with the therapist is established. In the early stages, or when emotions are running high, being in the same physical space tends to support the work more. We’ve written about this in more detail in our in-person vs online couples therapy article.
What happens in the first couples therapy session?
The first session is largely about getting to know each other. Your therapist will want to understand what’s brought you both in, what each of you is hoping for, and how you’ve arrived at this point. It isn’t usually a time for deep emotional work – that comes later. Think of it as an assessment, on both sides.
When should we consider switching therapists?
If after three or four sessions one of you consistently feels unheard, judged, or as though the therapist is taking the other person’s side, raise it directly with the therapist first. A good therapist will welcome that conversation. If things don’t shift, it’s reasonable to look elsewhere.
Can couples therapy help if we’re already considering separation?
Yes. Therapy can be useful even when the future of the relationship isn’t certain. Sometimes it helps couples find their way back to each other; sometimes it supports a more considered and less painful process of separating. Both are valid outcomes, and a good therapist won’t push you toward either.
